When I Come Home
by S.Woods
Summary: Post S6 Finale. Mer/Der. It's been two weeks since the shooting. I know everyone's doing it, but I couldn't help myself. I really hope you like it. Tell me what you think.
1. Chapter 1

_Hey, everyone._

_I know there are many of these out there, but I couldn't help myself, I really need something to do until September._

_It's Mer/Der, post season six finale. I hope you'll like it._

* * *

He was bored. He was still on drugs, very tired, extremely sad and worried, but for now all he cared about was that he was bored.

He had spent the last sixteen days in the ICU.

The first couple of days were a blur, he didn't remember much, only waking up every two or three hours for a couple of minutes to find Meredith sitting right next to him, holding his hand and looking worriedly at him with tears behind her eyes, but with a hopeful and tired smile adorning her face. He remembers feeling confused, and then he remembers the moment it all came back to him, the panic, the anger and the worry that came over him.

After a few days he could finally manage to stay awake for longer periods.

Meredith had told him everything that had happened, how she had seen him get shot, how Cristina had performed her first un-assisted surgery on him and had absolutely rocked it, how Gary Clark had entered the OR while he was under the effects of the anesthesia and how Cristina had kept operating even while the man kept a gun to her head.

She had told him that she had offered herself up hoping that it would save him and Cristina and how Owen had got shot trying to save all of them. He still couldn't believe how clever Avery had been when he had disconnected the wires.

She had also told him that for less than a minute she had thought he was dead. She told him about the fear, the panic, the terror and most of all the emptiness. And with a laugh that sounded very inappropriate for a moment like that one, she had told him about how stupid she had felt after she realized he couldn't have flat-lined in such a short period of time.

She had told him everything that had happened that day. Which explained the hovering and the worry, but he still felt like there was something else she wasn't telling that explained the profound sadness he could see in her eyes. When asked about it, she had said it had been hard to see him get shot, to see him that drained of color, to see him die and then almost die again when his heart stopped. And he remembered when _he_ had been the one who had seen her die, who had seen her face turned almost blue and her chest not moving. He remembered how that had felt like, so he believed her.

For now, though, every thought other than how bored he was being left out of his head. He was an active man, he always had been, but for the last ten or twelve days, he had been lying on a hospital bed, watching TV, drinking water in slow sips, talking on the phone with his sisters and his mother, who had only managed to make a quick visit with Nancy for a few days, and hoping Meredith would get off work soon to have some company. She wasn't required to be working, but he had insisted on it, the place had to keep going.

Now he regretted convincing her. He needed something to do. He wanted to see people other than his nurse and the occasional staff member who would come over to greet him.

He needed to go outside his room.

Lucky for him, his nurse liked him. Besides, he was the chief, she wouldn't say no to him.

"Hello, Dr Shepherd, how are you feeling today?"

"Filled with energy", he said giving her a big smile.

"I'm glad to hear that. You're doing great, Dr Shepherd, I'm sure you'll be out of here in no time. Is there anything I can do for you?" She said while checking his vitals and giving him a friendly smile.

"Actually, Kate, I think you can," he said giving her a look that in any other situation would embarrass him to admit it had been used.

"Of course, Dr."

"I need to go see a surgery, to be with other people, not that your company isn't lovely, but it's been too long. I just need to sit in an OR gallery, you can wheel me out of my room to the closest one and I won't move an inch, what do you say Kate?" There was that look again.

"I don't know Dr Shepherd," she seemed hesitant, but he was pretty sure he could make it.

"Come on, you can leave me there and then go check if I'm ok in an hour, if I'm tired I'll let you know and you can bring me back. Please, Kate."

She looked thoughtful for a few seconds and then, "Ok, is there any surgery in particular you would like to go and see?"

He smiled broadly at her.

"Actually, I heard Sloan's doing this new procedure today. That could be interesting."

"Ok, let me check the time and OR."

"Thanks Kate, you're my savior," he said happily. "Oh and check who's the resident too."

"Wouldn't want Dr Grey to see you're out of bed Dr Shepherd?" She asked with a smirk.

"Let's just keep this to ourselves for a while, Kate, please," he begged and once again gave her his look. At that she just laughed and walked outside to check the board.

* * *

As soon as Kate wheeled him into the gallery, he noticed a familiar head down in the OR with her back to him.

"Kate, I thought you said Avery was the one assisting Sloan," he said quietly to avoid the rest of the gallery's attention as he looked at her wife working with Mark.

"They must have switched at the last minute. Do you want to leave, Dr?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "No, it's ok, it's not like she wouldn't have found out anyway, right? It seems like she has the entire hospital looking out for me," he said with a smile and Kate laughed knowingly.

"She kinda is, which means she's going to kill me when she knows I let you do this".

"Go then, before she sees you," he replied with a wink.

"I'll be back in an hour".

"Thank you".

He focused on the surgery Sloan was doing down there.

He missed this. And it wasn't just because of the two weeks he had spent in the hospital as a patient; it was the months he had spent doing paperwork and worrying about lawsuits, budgets and meetings. He liked being chief, he liked being in charge, but he wasn't sure he was willing to keep giving up surgeries. Looking down at Mark he felt so jealous of him, he looked relaxed, in control, happy, he was doing exactly what he liked to do.

Suddenly Mark looked up at him and gave him a questioning look.

"Grey?"

Derek noticed him speaking under the mask, so he started shaking his head and mouthing _please_, so he wouldn't say anything to Meredith.

"Mmh?" She looked up at Sloan.

_Please._

Mark shook his head slightly and smiled.

"Stand a little closer, I need you to hold this, please", he said while giving Derek a look.

_Thank you, _he mouthed with a smile.

Mark understood, he wouldn't be able to stay in bed for two weeks either.

He went back to looking down at them and following the new surgery step by step. He remembered Isaac's tumor, he remembered the feeling he got when he first saw it, the challenge it all meant, the fear when he had to cut blindly, but most of all he remembered the peace. The silence. He missed that.

"Dr Shepherd, I didn't know you'd be here. It's good to see you're up", Kepner said as she sat down next to him.

He smiled back at April. She didn't call him Chief anymore, which was good. He guessed it had something to do with the newfound…not friendship, but respect, she and Meredith had for each other since the shooting. They had both comforted the other during a difficult time which apparently had created some kind of bond between them.

"Yeah, I needed to get out."

"I heard you're doing pretty well, I'm sure you'll be discharged in no time."

"Yeah, that's what Altman said, let's just hope it's true," he said with a tired smile.

Mark kept throwing quick glances at him. He was probably just worried this would be too much effort for him, but if he kept this going, Meredith was going to notice.

"Dr Sloan, is everything ok? You seem a little distracted," Meredith said while looking up at him, just as he looked down from the gallery.

"Yeah, it's nothing," he said quickly hoping she hadn't noticed.

"What is it?" She said turning around. "What the - you stubborn little - what is he doing here?" She asked while giving Derek a death stare.

He just smiled sheepishly and waved at her. When he saw she wasn't going to let this go, he looked at the time and mouthed _five more minutes_. She shook her head softly and gave him a look before focusing back on her patient.

"Come one, Grey, cut him some slack, you know what is like to be a patient. It gets old; bed rest is not all it's cracked up to be. Besides, it's Derek, I mean he's building a house in the woods; he goes fishing at five in the morning on his days off, the guy must be getting bored to death."

"I know, I just,"

"Worry. I know, I get it, but an hour sitting in an OR gallery is not going to do any harm."

"I know," she let out a sigh and looked back up at Derek giving him a smile to let him know it was ok. Even if he couldn't see her face, he noticed and smiled back. "Wait, he's been here for an hour and you didn't tell me?"

"Hey, he's the one who secretly got out of bed, don't be mad at me, be mad at him."

Derek laughed as Meredith apparently said something that made Mark look scared as hell.

"How is she doing?" He suddenly heard April ask.

"Huh?"

"Dr Grey, how is she doing?"

He gave her a questioning look, why would she be asking him about Meredith?

"She's…ok."

"That's good. She's strong. She's tough…and so is Dr Yang, they're hardcore. Hardcore surgeons, I mean, Dr yang, she just…kept operating, while that man was pointing a gun to her head and she saw Dr Hunt get shot, that couldn't have been easy."

No, it couldn't have and that's why, in what must have been the most sincere conversation he had ever had with Cristina, he had thanked her for everything. He knew she had done it for Meredith, which made it even more valuable.

"And she just kept going…and did everything absolutely perfect, I mean, I don't think I could perform an entire procedure without and attending, much less with my hands shaking like they were that day. And Dr Grey, she…she thought you had died, she really thought you had died, and she could somehow still find the strength to work on Dr Hunt."

He smiled at April, if Meredith was the one listening to this she would probably be rolling her eyes at her, but he couldn't help to find it sweet. Kepner admired Cristina and Meredith, probably more than she admired himself right now.

"And then, after that, even when she was losing the baby, she was so focused and-"

"What do you mean?"

"Huh?"

"What baby?"

"Your baby."

His heart sank and he looked directly at April.

"Dr Shepherd, ready to go back to your room?"

He nodded slowly and as Kate wheeled him out of the gallery he heard April quietly cursing herself as she realized what had just happened.

* * *

_Even when she was losing the baby._

_Your baby._

My baby.

Our baby.

There had been a baby.

Suddenly many moments from the last couple of weeks started to come together in his head.

The pain he could occasionally see etched on her face when she thought he wasn't looking and the smile she would plaster on after he asked if she was ok; the whispers between her and Cristina those first couple of days; the faraway look she had whenever he woke up, which was always immediately replaced by a smile; the long showers that left her feeling exhausted and from which she always emerged with red, puffy eyes; and most of all the sadness, the deep sadness in her eyes.

"Hey," she said from the doorway. It had been an hour since he had left the surgery and now she was showered, dressed and ready to go home.

"Hi."

"Had fun today? I'm sorry for the hovering, it's ok that you wanted to get out of here, I just-"

"I get the hovering," he said reaching for her hand and making room for her to sit next to him.

"I know you do," she replied with a smile.

"Mer,"

"Mmh?"

"You were pregnant."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He didn't sound angry or accusing, just confused.

She felt her eyes fill with tears for the millionth time since it happened as she looked at him with wide eyes. She knew it had been a stupid move to hide this from him for so long; she hadn't wanted him finding out through someone else.

"Mer," he repeated while stroking her leg, encouraging her to say something.

She cleared her throat and spoke with a quiet, thin voice that broke his heart.

"Yeah, I…I was,"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She looked away blinking back the tears, she was tired of crying.

"I was going to tell you. I found out that morning, actually, I was going to tell you, but then there was the lockdown and then…," she let out a shaky breath and looked back at him.

"I know, it's ok," he stroked her cheek softly; "I meant…why haven't you said anything these past weeks? I would've-" She shook her head interrupting him.

"You were in pain, Derek, I didn't want you to hurt any more, I just…I just wanted you to be ok…I was going to tell you when you felt better, but then when you did, I couldn't come up with the courage to make you hurt again, so I decided to tell you when we went back home," she sniffed and wiped away the tears with the back of her hand.

She looked devastated, she was finally letting him see her and it was heart breaking.

"You really wanted this," he stated brushing away her tears.

Is not that he didn't think she would make a terrific mother or that she would love their children more than he could imagine, but he never would have expected such a strong reaction so early.

"So badly," she said with a broken voice while giving him a sad smile; "And I feel so stupid, because I mean, I didn't really think I _wanted_ kids and I knew I was pregnant for less than a day, but here I am, two weeks later still crying over it. And Charles died and Reed died too and you and Alex didn't. I should be grateful, I should be happy you're alive and I am, but I can't stop thinking about…about how happy you would've been when I told you and about how everything was going to change, I just…," she took a deep breath and looked away, trying to calm down.

"Hey, come here," he said, scooting over so she could lie besides him.

She put her head on his shoulder as he hugged her and kissed her forehead, careful not to press too hard on his chest.

"You're not stupid, Mer. You knew for less than a day, but you made plans, you had an idea of what it was going to be and it didn't happen, it's ok to be sad."

"Ok," she whispered.

They stayed like that in silence for a while with only the sound of an occasional sniff coming from her.

"Were you in pain?"

"A little."

"And you sat here on that uncomfortable chair for days."

"It's ok, Cristina gave me some painkillers and forced me to have someone check me out."

"Good and everything's…ok?"

"Yeah, there were no complications," she said sadly.

It sounded cold. It was something they usually said to patients, but it sounded like a lie. Of course there were complications; she'd had a miscarriage, that wasn't simple at all.

"I'm sorry, Derek, this shouldn't have happened."

"No, it shouldn't, but don't apologize, it wasn't anyone's fault," he said softly while lifting up her chin so he could look at her in the eyes.

"I know," she replied sincerely.

"We were going to have a baby," she said quietly.

"Yeah."

* * *

_Reviews make my day; I'd love to know what you think._

_S. Woods_


	2. Chapter 2

_First of all, thank you SO much for the great response. Reviews were great and many of you added this to your favorite story or story alert list, so thank you. _

_I would love to know what you all think. I absolutely LOVE reviews, I'm a bit insecure and it's nice to know what other people think. Besides, I'd like to reply back to thank you for reading._

_I hope you'll al like this. I wasn't sure I was going to continue, but the amazing feedback made me want to do another chapter. I don't have anything else planned, but if I come up with something else, I'll definitely write it._

* * *

_A baby doesn't want me._

She was in the OR again. It was quiet. Maybe too quiet.

_Shoot me._

Gary Clark was pointing the gun at her. She was scared.

_I'm your eye for an eye._

Derek was awake and looking up at her. He looked terrified.

_You'd be good; you'd be a good mom._

And suddenly she was the one with the gun.

_I pick you._

_I choose you._

"Mer, Meredith…"

_You don't get to die on me._

"Meredith, are you ok?"

Suddenly she heard a gun go off. _Was it her the one who pulled the trigger? She couldn't remember._

And she opened her eyes widely.

"Mer, we're gonna be late for work, get ready, I made some breakfast," Lexie said looking down at her worriedly. "Are you ok?"

She cleared her throat, not really trusting her own voice and blinked forcibly trying to clear the fog off her head. _It was a nightmare. _"Yeah, I'm fine, I'll be right down."

"Ok," Lexie said suspiciously, but let it go for the moment.

Meredith got up and went into the bathroom to turn on the water. She waited until the steam filled the small space before she removed her clothes, partly because it was cold outside, but mostly because she couldn't bear to see her own reflection anymore.

She was tired of it. She was tired of the dark circles under her eyes, of the constant frown she couldn't seem to shrug off, of the pale tone of her skin and most of all she was tired of knowing she would have looked a little different by now, if nothing had happened. She would have been almost two months pregnant by now. And that made her angry and left her feeling drained, which led to the restless nights, hence the dark eyes, the pale skin and the constant frown.

"Here," Lexie said as she put her coffee and pancakes in front of her. "Eat," she demanded while trying to figure out what was wrong with her sister.

"Thank you, you didn't have to do this."

"Sure I did," Meredith gave her a friendly smile and ate her breakfast in silence. "I wanted to go in a bit earlier to check on Alex before rounds, wanna come?"

"Yeah, he's doing better, we took a walk yesterday."

"Yeah, he is. He should be discharged soon, it's just...there's no one to take care of him here during the day and he still can't handle the stairs, so," Lexie said with a shrug.

"You've really been there for him," Meredith said with gratitude.

She had too much on her plate to be worrying about Alex and she was glad Lexie was there, she wouldn't want him to be alone through this.

"Yeah, he needs me to," Meredith noticed the unease in her words and figured it had something to do with Mark. She had been watching them lately and she could see Lexie was having a hard time. On one hand she had Alex, who she loved and he needed her to take care of him, but on the other hand, Meredith was pretty sure Lexie was still in love with Mark. "Anyway, big day today, Derek's coming home."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah…" Lexie looked unconvinced.

"That's a good thing…right?"

Meredith looked uncomfortable and avoided her stare. She took her empty plate and mug and put it in the sink. "Yeah, it's a good thing, it's good. It's a great thing. Come on, we have to go if we want to see Alex first. Thanks for the pancakes," she said quickly as she ran upstairs to grab her things.

"Sure…"

* * *

"Yeah, I will…I'll be fine, mom," Meredith heard him speaking with his mother on the phone as she went into his room after going to see Alex. "The doctors wouldn't have discharged me if I wasn't good to go," he rolled her eyes at Meredith as he motioned for her to come closer. "Besides, Meredith will be there, I won't be alone," Derek said with a smile and looked down at her.

Meredith just gave him a smile that she hoped would look real to him and squeezed his hand.

"Mom, I have to go, Meredith's here and I don't want her to be late for work. Talk to you later, ok? Me too, bye."

He hang up and kissed her lips happily, "Morning."

"Morning, you're looking all bright and shiny today," Meredith said with a smile.

"I'm finally leaving this place."

"I know, although, there's not much more you'll get to do at home, you know that right."

"I know, don't worry, I won't try sky diving or bungee jumping, I just need to get out of here," he said with a smirk.

"Right, just as long as you don't try jogging or going to the woods, either, everything will be fine," she said with a smile. Something looked a little off, though, he thought as he took in her pallid and worn face.

"Are you ok? You look tired."

This was like the third time someone asked her the same thing today. Apparently her sleep deprivation was really taking a toll on her.

She waved her hand shrugging it off, "Yeah, I just didn't sleep much."

"Why? Everything ok?"

She hated that he could read her like a book sometimes. Luckily for her, her pager went off just in time.

"Yeah, don't worry; I'll come by at lunch so we can get everything ready to leave tonight."

"Ok," he said and pulled her for another short kiss before she left.

Truth was, everything was _not_ ok. There was something seriously wrong with her, she thought. Everyone was so intent on reminding her that her husband was coming home today, as if she didn't already know; everyone loved saying what a great day it was, as if she didn't already feel guilty enough because she knew that's what she should be feeling, but wasn't.

He hadn't told Derek about the nightmares. Or the crying. He was having a hard time with the aftermath of the shooting too, but apparently he was taking it much better than she was, and she wasn't the one who got shot.

She needed to not think about it, so she was glad when she found out her page had been a massive car crash with at least three surgical patients. That would get her mind off everything else.

* * *

A few hours later, after she had scrubbed in with Hunt, she was walking quickly to the bathroom before she went to the gallery in OR 2 where apparently Cristina was doing a kick ass procedure. She was almost running through the halls when suddenly she bumped into someone.

"Sorry," she said quickly and lifted her head.

"Dr Grey," the older woman said surprised.

"Dr Wyatt, I'm sorry. How are you?"

"Good, good. I haven't seen you in a while. I heard about Dr Shepherd, how has he been?"

"He's ok, he's doing great. He's going home today, actually," she guessed she should act like a normal person and tell her the good news.

"That's good. And how are you?"

"Umm…you know, I'm…," she hesitated. She wasn't sure what to say, especially to this woman, who would easily see through her lying.

"Fine?" Dr Wyatt said with a small smile.

She had always had that something that made you want to talk to her. Well, that was her job, after all, Meredith thought. And she was pretty good at it.

"No," Meredith said smiling back. "I'm not really fine, I just…I have to be," she admitted quietly.

"Why?"

"Sorry, Dr Wyatt, I can't do this right now, I need to be somewhere else…," she said apologetically.

"Ok, but Meredith, I'm free at one, if you want to talk."

Meredith started to shake her head, but suddenly she remembered her dreams.

_I chose you. I pick you._

"One o'clock?"

"See you there."

"Thank you," Meredith said sincerely and ran to the OR before texting Derek to cancel lunch.

* * *

"So, you said you _had to_ be fine earlier. Why?"

Meredith looked intently at the fish tank in Dr Wyatt's office. She hadn't been there in a while and the truth was she had thought about going a few times after the shooting, but there was always something more important to do.

"For Derek, he needs me right now and I can't just…I have to be strong for him."

"And how's that going so far?" Meredith's eyes snapped back at Dr Wyatt.

"Excuse me?"

"You don't look very…strong."

"Right, so has everyone been telling me today," Meredith said with a sigh as she rested her head on the back of the couch. "I haven't been sleeping much. I've been having these nightmares."

"About the shooting?"

She nodded, "Different versions of the shooting. Sometimes I'm at the catwalk, where I saw him get shot and Gary Clark shoots himself right after shooting Derek. Other times I'm in the OR and Derek's awake and panicked. Sometimes Clark kills Cristina. And sometimes I shoot Clark."

"You were in the OR?"

"I went in when I realized he was there. I needed to save them."

"What do you mean?"

"I told him to shoot me, instead" Meredith knew Dr Wyatt would think she was being careless with her life again, but it wasn't like that, not this time. "I didn't want to die, if that's what you're wondering. It wasn't like the other times."

"I wasn't, I was just thinking you're a very brave woman, that's all," Meredith looked at her surprised. Dr Wyatt had never been one to give compliments.

"I thought Derek had died, that day. To make Clark go away, one of the doctors unplugged his wires and he flat-lined, that saved him, I guess."

"You guess?"

"I've been forced by Cristina to let everyone know she was the one who saved him, not Avery and his quick thinking," she said with a smile which quickly faded, "Besides, I…it was a very clever thing Avery did and I'm sure it _did_ save Derek's life and I'll always be in debt with him for that, but I can't stop thinking that maybe, if I hadn't thought he was actually dead, it wouldn't have got to be too much to bear," she said with a quivering lip.

"What do you mean?"

"I had a miscarriage that day. And I know it could have happened anyway and that I'll never know the real cause…but, still, I had a miscarriage that day," she repeated in a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Meredith."

"Yeah, who would have thought, right?" She said with a strangled laugh, "That I'd be all heartbroken over this," she wiped away her tears and smiled at the psychiatrist.

"Of course you are."

"I just, never thought this would be something I wanted, you know? And now, I can't stop thinking about what would have been and if we should start trying after he recovers. I keep imagining this baby and this life…I just…I don't have the strength to keep doing this, I can't," she took in a few deep breaths and Dr Wyatt waited a few minutes until Meredith was calm enough to speak again.

"Have you talked to Derek about the nightmares?"

"No," she said shaking her head. "Like I said, he needs me to be strong; he's the one who got it worst."

"Was he?"

"He's been in real pain for over two weeks and he's better now, but, he shouldn't have to deal with me on top of everything."

"But he's going home today," Dr Wyatt stated.

_Bingo_, Meredith thought. That was the problem; Derek was coming home and he would realize she wasn't fine as she wanted him to believe she was.

"Yeah, he is."

"Meredith…"

"It's just, he's been strong for me so many times before, I feel like he deserves the same treatment. I can't break in front of him, he shouldn't have to see me toss and turn every night because I can't get these images out of my head and cry over nothing just because I'm terrified of losing him and too scared to be a mother," she blurted out and closed her eyes in exhaustion.

"Were you happy, Meredith?"

"What?" She said opening her eyes as the question caught her by surprise.

"Before it happened, were you happy about the baby?"

She remembered the feeling she got that day before the shooting when she made the connection between her nausea, vomiting, sore breasts and the fact that she was late.

She remembered the rush while she was looking for the pregnancy tests that morning.

She remembered the anxiety while waiting on the results.

And she remembered the utmost happiness she felt when she saw that one word.

"Yes."

"You want that back?"

"Yes."

Dr Wyatt looked at her for a few seconds so she could process what she had just said.

"Talk to Derek, Meredith. I don't think he needs you to be strong if that means you're hurting all on your own. If I remember well, he's a very caring man and I'm sure he would hate to know you're having such a hard time without asking for his help. Talk to him."

Meredith nodded and thanked her before standing up to go back to work.

"Meredith? One more thing, I know this has nothing to do with what you're going through right now, but I just thought I should tell you, you've come a long way," Dr Wyatt said sincerely.

"Thanks," Meredith replied back with gratitude.

* * *

"Ready to go?" He said excitedly as he stood up after she walked into his room that night.

"Can we talk first?" She asked with a smile and sat down on the bed.

"Sure, everything ok?" He said as a concerned frown settled over his features.

She took a deep breath before answering to him, "I haven't been sleeping well…since the shooting," she admitted looking down at her feet.

"Ok," he said quietly while sitting down next to her.

"I've been having these dreams, nightmares really and I can't sleep. And the truth is, I've been trying to be fine when I'm with you, because I wasn't the one who got shot and I didn't lose you, or any of my friends and we're all fine, except I'm not," she looked at him sadly with tears in her eyes and gave him a pathetic little smile which he mirrored.

"I can't stop reliving seeing you get shot and Gary Clark pointing a gun at Cristina and at me. I keep reliving losing the baby and the worst part is, that I can't stop thinking about how happy I was that morning, I can't stop thinking about how much I wanted it and about my stupid fears when you told me you wanted to have kids and how maybe I didn't want it enough," she said with a shrug.

"Mer…," he said sadly and started to rub her back.

"No, let me finish," she needed to do this. "Maybe I didn't want it enough before, but I loved it the moment I knew it existed and I want one, I want us to have one, I want to give you a baby, but I'm scared to death of not being able to take care of it like I couldn't take care of the one we lost and I need you to know how I feel, because I can't do this without you," he smiled at her and brushed away the few tears that had rolled down her cheeks.

"And I know you still have recovery ahead and that you don't need any more trouble, and I want to take care of you, but I can't keep trying to hold it together or I'm gonna fall apart and won't be able to help you get better. This may be selfish, but I need you here for me, I can't keep faking strong and fine, because I'm not, I'm scared, exhausted and completely freaked out about how much losing the baby has affected me. So, I need you to take care of me too."

She looked at him directly in the eyes and he leaned forward to give her a soft kiss, "Mer, I don't need you to be strong, I'll be alright if you're with me, that's all I need. We'll take care of each other."

She nodded as she sniffed and smiled at him.

"And Mer, you wanted it enough. You loved it and I love you for that. We're going to be parents and we'll be great at it," she let out a strangled laugh and he loved that he could make her smile when she was feeling like this. "We'll learn as it goes."

"Ok," she agreed. And she believed him.

"I'm glad you told me this."

"Thank Dr Wyatt," she said.

"You talked to her?"

"I think I'll be seeing her for a while," she said with a shrug.

"That's good," he stood up in front of her and hugged her tightly.

"Derek?"

"Mmh?"

"Let's go home," she said looking up at him.

It _was_ a good day after all.

* * *

_Please review._

_Thanks for reading_


End file.
